Why do people call a breakup, a "break-up"? There is nothing "up" about it.

Yesterday was my first day back in New York and as planned, met up with MS for what I expected to be a beautiful day at Prospect Park. Except that he really didn't feel like going, even after he said he would. Oh well. We headed to Moonstruck for lunch and I got the Belgium waffle with sliced strawberries and whipped cream. Very pretty. Through the meal and on our way to Central Park everything seemed fine between us. Until he said "What am I going to do with you. Or, maybe I know but I'm not telling you." Ugh, how ominous does that sound? But, I didn't pry.

We had been waiting for the V to go to Central Park and as luck would have it, three F's passed by and no V in sight. However, after MS took a look at the map, he realized that we have to take F. Wow. After all that suffering in the hot hot subway station and me not being able to sit on him for long, because it was too hot... I was able to laugh about it though.

Got to the park and we walked around a bit then settled on top of a huge rock. He helped me up, because my shoes weren't designed for climbing anything. That's when he said what he had bottled up inside... Told me that I'm too demanding of his time. When we were together, we would see each other every weekend and usually during the week as well (which to me, is not too much). Told me that he would be late to work, miss a class, cancel on his clients-- Because of me? Hold on here... If you had spoken to me yesterday I would've told you it's all my fault. After all, I was the one who didn't know how to compromise, who wasn't understanding enough to give him space for himself and his work which is probably his top priority right now, who was the bitch. Absolutely, I believed that.

But thinking through it, it's in no way entirely my fault (MS was trying to tell me that, but I still thought it). First of all, I never once asked him to take me to Queens to make sure I got back safely; I never once asked him to spend the night with me... He made those decisions on his own and it was his responsibility to make sure he got to wherever he needed to be, on time for the next day. He tells me that he really tried to make it work, but the way in which he never said "I have an appointment I can't skip" or anything that would make me think something was wrong. I just think he should have communicated more openly with me. I know that when I want something, I'm kind of blinded by my feelings but if he had been honest about the whole thing-- if he had tried to tell me... I just feel like I could've been better.

This all came tumbling out of his mouth... He went through it slowly, saying that he really didn't want to do this and while I was in China, every spare moment he had, he thought about how he was going to tell me, how to do it so it wouldn't hurt. However, I remember bringing up that at times we didn't get to talk so much and he replying, "Well, I don't have to make time right now because you're not here." and "I could be having dinner with you, and not at home." Why would he say all this if he meant to break it off? He gave me very little reason to believe he was even thinking about it.

Truthfully, we are kind of opposites. I love being with people; it's where I find my worth sometimes and I always want to hang out, but he needs his alone time. I mean, he was having a good time with me, but it was hard for him...

He kept nudging me because he wanted to know what I was thinking, feeling and I couldn't say anything for awhile. It started to rain so we stood under the tree. It got worse, so we walked to the tunnel, where everyone else was camping out. We sat on the side, but the constant rain was flooding the ground so when the rain lessened, MS commented that we should go. I didn't want to dirty my pretty shoes though and he said he'd carry me out. True to his word, he did.

We took a little walk and ended up by the Apple store. Sat on the white chairs for a bit and MS was trying to get me to talk to him. We then moved to gain more privacy and he had me sit on his lap, with his arm around me, his other hand stroking my hand. I finally talked-- a little. Told him I thought it was my fault (he countered that), felt that I was embarrassed by how I acted around him at times (told me I shouldn't be), said "I'll miss this," quietly. ("This" referring to being in his arms, being close to him, being a couple...) He looked at me, "You don't think I'm going to miss this? Of course I am." I had to look away, tears gathering in my eyes. Then he said, "You don't think this is hard for me, doing this?..." I shook my head. He even said, "I hope I don't regret this..."

I know that we're going to remain in each other's lives. There's no doubt in my mind that I would rather be his friend than to not have him around at all. And despite the pain I may feel when we're spending time together (that's significantly less than we did before) and not holding hands, not holding each other, I can do it.

He said he doesn't think he can give me what I want/need -- Someone who is there everyday and someone who has a lot of time for me. He also assured me there's no other girl and that I believe, because he's not that type of guy. He just can't do both: Career and a girlfriend.

I even told him a little bit about how it's been in the past. He wanted to see if he could help me sort through all that.

After all that, we left to take the subway downtown. Once again, he messed up the directions by putting us on the R going to Queens. Haha. I used to think MS knew Manhattan so well because we never got lost until today. On the subway, things seemed to be back to normal-- I still felt comfortable around him, still was able to joke with him. We reminisced about the first night we met and told him something about me that I haven't said to anyone in NY before. I love being able to confide in him, because I know he won't judge. He's just so supportive and sweet. Damn. I know I said it's not all my fault, but I still think I messed it up.

Before MS and I parted ways, he gave me a hug and said "Call me anytime." Sigh. I know I can't.

My night was pretty good though, despite the crying. I met up with KS and we headed to a nice little Thai restaurant. It was decent. I told her all about my China trip then what happened today. She is such a great listener and really helpful through it all.

I know that I wanted to go dancing tonight, but it was too early yet so we decided to see the Sex and the City movie. It was an excellent choice... It made me laugh and cry.

When the movie was over and I checked my phone, saw that I had a missed call from MS. And he had left a message (he almost never does that); just wanting to see how my night went. Just hearing his voice, knowing that he still cares... I kind of bawled my eyes out for a couple of seconds and KS held me and then I was done. No more tears.

Strutting out on the streets of New York City in the evening, feeling not too hot or not too cold... I felt good. This summer is gonna be on fire with my two amazing internships lined up; going dancing and clubbing-- because really I am a party-girl, and I have a reputation to uphold here; dressing up for me (not for him anymore); and trips to other cool places to visit with friends. I want to get busy because that's when I'm happiest, and I want to go out and live it up. With, or without a man by my side.

KS and I went to a gay bar at first and it was hopping... Today was Gay Pride weekend or whatever (MS and I witnessed some of the parade when on 42nd) but not so interesting as everyone was gay. Didn't have to walk too far to find Pyramid-- A nice nightclub. Tonight was all right-- Lots of rap, poeticness and dj cool dance tunes.

Got to bed late, but had a good time. And, got through the first day of my internship at NYU Wagner... Was all right. Met the other interns, familiarized myself with the school, organized a bunch of papers. I'm going to have to come up with a kind of communication plan/proposal about how they can better get in touch with alumni but I'll have to know more first.

On my break, I checked my phone and Mike had called again. He didn't answer when I returned the call but sent a text saying he was busy at work. I figured that much, but he'll call later. And now, it's later and it's so hard to not call him up and ask if he wants to go out to dinner. Because I still want to be with him so much...