I met with AW, one of the small group leaders to talk about BM. She asked some probing questions, made a lot of deep observations, and pointed out a pattern with a bit of a different spin from what others have seen. She made me see that in a sense, BM is using me and it sounds like I'm making him feel good but he's not returning that. He isn't taking me seriously and in fact, isn't really thinking about my feelings much. Also, she could tell that I still felt hopefull that he might turn, but if he does, it won't be at this point in time because he doesn't have the maturity. It was difficult to hear, but it made sense.

AW asked why I like BM, and that's a common question when I talk about him. I think the way I describe him isn't very flatterng. Still, I sometimes hate that question, because I don't feel I need to quantify or qualify why I'm into someone. Also, I may not even know why I like him so much... How can I control who I fall for?

That said, here are the reasons: He's sweet, attentive (for the most part), fit, fun, knows the balance between work and play, smooth, good taste, handsome, smart, funny and when I'm talkng to him, whether it's on the phone or in person-- I feel that I'm the only person in the world for him. It's both beautiful and maddening at the same time, because inevitably his whole attention is not focused on me the entire night.

Anyway, AW also brought up the question foremost on my mind: Why can't I fall in love with someone who will fall in love with me? Or, fall in love with a good guy; someone who won't hurt or disappoint me. I seem to go for the guys who can't give me all the attention that I desire. And, probably, a man cannot fulfill me in the way I am seeking.

I'm really glad I had the chance to speak with AW about all this, because all my friends are great and well intentioned but I don't think I can tell him again how I feel, or keep being the only one trying to spend alone time together. I shouldn't have to, and actually don't really want to fight for someone's affections. As AW said, he's not worth it.

The rest of the week has been all right, pretty lowkey. I went to a lovely vegetarian restaurant called Adelina and met some cool people through that, especally BK (with the same first name as BM, so made me think of him quite a bit) because he was very easy to talk with. Definitely love getting along well, making connections with new people. And, the food was quite good. I got the stuffed artichoke, and it was huge-- Really good.

Have been trying to work on PowerPoint presentations for my Integrated Marketing class (Subject: Saks), and for the UN Global Compact project. I think they're going well, and that's good because it's almost the end of the semester! (Yes... Can't wait til summer!) Next week, I'm presenting (with a group) in Integrated Marketing, and doing a final in Non Profit. Then, in two weeks have the final paper in PR Writing Seminar II which I haven't really started yet but the assignment is to expand on something we've already written so it won't be so bad. Also, need to present my SPCA Communication Plan to Nonprofit class. And my last final is for the practicum-- Presenting to the UN, in a group.

Despite all this schoolwork coming up, am still planning to have fun-- Meeting with friends, eating out, seeing LA (so, he finally contacted me after a couple of weeks-- Come on now, really?), movies, and so on. This weekend should be pretty great!