Went with a friend to see Hancock on Fourth of July and it was a really fun movie. Made me laugh like crazy and didn’t entail a whole lotta thinking… I could just relax and enjoy show. Afterwards we headed to another part of Manhattan and caught some fireworks. When that was over, we were standing there with rain drizzling and A asks if he can give me a kiss. I just shake my head and he keeps asking me why and proceeds to ask a few more times. I didn’t want to speak the truth (that I just don’t like him in that way) so I just kept shaking my head and shrugging.

Guys, stop trying to freaking get with me! Do you all not know how to be my friend, and only that? Right now, I don’t think I can give very much of me and furthermore, am probably not interested in you. Even if I’m flirtatious, smiling, letting you hold my hand and following you… (as I was with a couple of the men I met at the bar/club scene) I’m just not ready to be dating again.

I got to see M on Saturday which was awesome because I hadn’t really talked to her in months! We finally both had time to meet up. She introduced me to an amazing gelato place and after having dessert first, I got some pizza with baked chicken topping. Talked mostly about our recent breakups and relationships in general.

What hurts the most is that he didn’t think I was worth the time and effort to work at it. He just wanted out.

So I met up with DS Saturday night and that was great. It was awesome to talk with him again. We went to a sweet restaurant that had delicious crispy chicken. We both wanted to go dancing afterwards, but he didn’t think I could go in with my pink flip flops so we kept trying to think of a solution, including calling people in the area who had my same shoe size. In the end, we decided to try it and we stopped by his apt so he could get properly dressed. Taxied it to The Park and seemed to be Asian night (not attracted to Asians) but it was still loads of fun to just dance the night away.

When DS and I were on our way out, this guy grabbed hold of my hand to stop me. We started talking, and at first he seemed charming. He somehow knew that I was from CA and that I attend NYU-- How!? He said that he noticed me when I first walked in and said that I’m really hot. He works for the NYPD and got to meet some of his friends, who were all really sweet.

Unfortunately, he tried to kiss me… Repeatedly and said that he’d make sure I get home safe and that I’m lucky because he’s a “perfect gentleman.” First of all, when you say that, it sounds pretentious. And it wasn’t true. He told his friends he was going to take me home and when they asked if he was staying over (at my place!)…. Without looking at me or asking me, he answers “Yes.” What the fuck… I did not give you permission and no, you’re not allowed! After that, I couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.

Today was a pretty relaxing day. I met up with a bunch of people to see The Last Mistress, a French film. It’s a period piece… 18th century and it was riveting for me. It was well made and there was so much in it, but didn’t end happily. Love did not conquer all, and it just highlighted that men are assholes who don’t know how to be faithful, who just give in to their basest sexual desires. Ugh. Depressing.

<The good guys screw you, the bad guys screw you and the rest don't know how to screw you. ~ Samantha Jones, Sex and the City Movie> As of now, I'm inclined to agree...

I had some great conversations today and it was wonderful to catch up with friends, on both coasts. I’m excited because DM is going to be visiting NY in August… I can’t wait to go out with her!

As I was on my way to Chelsea, I ran into a store window displaying puppies! I fell in love with one of the more active ones and was really tempted to take him home. I don't stay at my apartment enough and would have very little time to spend with the sweet and too adorable pup though.

While I was talking on the phone (in Chelsea), leaning against scaffolding, an African American homeless man smiles at me and comes my way. At first I think he’s asking me for money, but he’s actually just complimenting me. He tells me, “I just wanted to tell you that you’re beautiful. You are really beautiful.” How sweet.

It would seem I’m doing okay. What with all my going out with friends to dinners, dancing, karaoke, parks, clubs… It still hurts. I kills me that I can’t call him all the time. It kills me that I haven’t talked to him in a week. But I want to give him time, space, and everything.

Friends tell me, “It’s his loss”; “I’m sure you will find someone much more suited to you”; “You will find your match. I guarantee it”; “You deserve someone who will make time” and “He’s not worth it.” But that’s just it: I thought he was worth it… Why else would I want to be with him? And everything he showed me seemed to confirm my beliefs. The way in which he was always so sweet, just because that’s who he is. And it was always so easy being with him. We just seemed to fit and it felt so right (being in his arms). And I was starting to fall for him…

People always tell me to guard my heart, to reel it in… But I don’t want to live my life without great love, without great risk. Because despite everything, I still need to believe it will be okay.

Here’s the challenge though: It is so easy for me to find my worth in being with other people. At times I can’t love myself. I can’t feel beautiful, physically or inwardly. At times I feel like a horrible person who is not worthy.

This is what I have to learn: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, well, that's just fabulous. -- Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex & the City”

It would be amazing to have a life-long romance with myself, but how? One of my friends told me, “I want you to love yourself as much as I love you”… It almost made me cry.

How do I live without needing someone with me all the time? Why can't I be happy being alone?