This is the second time I've tried to write this huge long entry. I'm so freaking upset and I've used so much time on this. Each time, when I got to my list of what I'm taking for next quarter, I was about to copy and paste something in here, but then I press something weird and it starts moving, and everything is gone.

I like being sweet, romantic, seductive, classic, classy, innocent with a naughty wicked minx side.

The first sonnet I ever wrote was for Creative Writing. Warning: It is in iambic and has the correct rhyme scheme for Elizabethan/ Shakespearan type, but it's not in pentameter. I still like it though.

A belt lashing on the inside of her arm;
Cradling the vivid bruise, cruel and precise
The slashing and wicked motion causing harm
To her internals, knowing now his vice.

She sucks up his sweetened, twisted words,
Wanting him to be her passion hope dream
The shape of her desire are interlacing cords
Wrapped prettily, soft and pleasing cream.

Truth gleams, pressing right in front of her
She cannot let it strike her delicate
Illusion. He is the intricate center
Of her being. Though yearning for it to be fate,

In her heart she feels the lie, the sin,
His destruction, and finds no way to win.

After my Creative Writing section on Tuesday, I went to the InterVarsity Small Groups Bible Study at Crown, because I know more people up there and German Daniel, the group leader is my friend, which is cool because he welcomed me and made me feel comfortable to come in later. I sat to his right, and by now I've written so much about Luke 14.25-33, the parable of discussion. I found it to be compelling, a little discouraging and condemning.

I mean, "Whoever comes to me and does not hate the father and mother, wife and children, brother and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple." That's a lot you have to do when you come to him. And how is that something we should try to do? It's not like He tells us to love our enemies, and hate our friends. I mean, Jesus says we should love one another, like he loved us. So, why must we renounce, forsake the people we hold most dear?

When I heard this message at College Bible Fellowship, I was against it too and I couldn't understand why he would want us to hate our family, friends and things of the world. Well, okay, some things of the world, the corrupt and obvious parts you don't want to be involved in, obviously, but life is so precious. I don't think I'd ever want to hate it, you know.

Someone brought up that He just used it as a point of emphasis, which I can kind of see because it was written in hyperbole, but hate is such a strong word. It's not something I want to try to do, especially towards the people I love so much. Even with enemies or just bad people in general, it's obviously much harder to show them compassion and understanding, but it's something to aspire towards.

God is forgiving and wants us to be happy, right? So why would he want to take away the people that are most important to us? Maybe the "hate" thing means to give it up and put Him above anything else, but I think one can do that and still have a heart for people of this world, especially the ones who are closest to you. But of course you want to branch out, because "what is in the reward of loving only those who love you?" That's too easy.

A good question: Can you give up all these things for God? Not only the material possessions, but also emotional attachments. Just let it go and let the Lord control it, because He is the one who really owns all this stuff. He just lets us borrow everything for the time being, so we're sort of a steward of things we own. That was interesting to think about. I don't really like the thought of that a whole lot though, because I want the credit for my stories, poems and other written work. I believe that He gave me the talent, but I wouldn't go as far to say He's the one who gave me all the words and wrote it for me. Maybe I'm just greedy, and that's probably it.. so I'll stop on this train of thought.

Something I wasn't too keen on, was "For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish it, all who see it will begin to ridicule him,..." Well, if you just read this through, it makes sense and there's nothing wrong with it because if you take it literally, then yea I agree. But it's a metaphor to following God. If you're not going to give it your all and be willing to give up everything for Him, then don't even try? That's kind of what I got from it: If you can't make it all the way, don't start. So that made me feel bad, because I know right now I'm not strong enough in my belief to give up everything, hate my family and all that. I don't know if I will ever be, but I still want to learn the teachings and live my life in a way that will show people Jesus' amazing love and grace. I want to be a light to the world. Not even so I can convert them to Christianity, but because it would make people so much sweeter and compassionate if they knew about his sacrifice and the way he treated people.

One line that we talked about for awhile was, "Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple" It's only a sentence, but loaded with meaning and value, especially the semantics of "the cross," which signifies it is speaking of the specific cross that Jesus was crucified on. The one he died on, to take away the sins of the world. We spoke of the Death March, and why would someone want to carry their death instrument? I don't get that either, and it wasn't really answered. I read about how Jesus died on the cross: the nails, stretching, breathing, but all of that, the horror and immense pain didn't quite register until later...

Afterwards, I fellowshipped for awhile, especially by asking Eric some main questions that were bothering me, then I went to late night with a few people. I got to meet someone new, Carl so that was cool. We hung out, along with big hair Brian for a little bit when we were done eating, and then I found Eric and went with him to Stan's room, but they were doing Computer Science homework, so that wasn't very fun. I stayed for a bit, then left to Descartes building and found German Daniel there. He recorded his new song, with guitar accompaniment on my cell phone and it's pretty good quality. I really like his voice and playing.

His roommate, non-Christian Ben came in and his hair was dyed red, which looks really good. I had him walk me back, even though he complained about it because he wanted to show his girlfriend the hair and all that. It was really funny to hear him, but he was only kidding. We ended up talking for over an hour, just around Cowell and that was really good. I got updated about his relationship and I heard a lot of things that I felt bad about. I don't like some of the ways she deals with things. I mean I know she hasn't had much experience in this love department, but she doesn't have to be callous and uncaring, or rude and everything. Then other stories paint her in a really good light. From what I know of her, she's a very emotional, sweet person, overall good person even though Ben tells me that it's hard for her to show emotion.. I guess in certain times. So maybe the better word for her is excitable.

We discussed our classes next quarter and he got mad because I have sophomore standing, and we get to sign up a week before the freshmen. Yes! He's thinking of crashing Film Experience, whicn I'm enrolled in, so that's cool. It'll be nice to have him in the same class as me. I'll be able to see him more. I really miss our talks. Whenever we're alone, he's the sweetest and flirtiest person ever who is so encouraging and supportive, teasing but in a way that I know isn't hurtful and I feel so comfortable around him. But I don't really get to spend any quality time like that, with him anymore.

The classes I will be taking next quarter are Romantic Fiction, referring to works from that time period: A study of novels, short stories, and fairy tales by authors from America, England, France, and Germany. Readings include works by Poe, Hawthorne, Mary Shelley, Goethe, Hoffman, Rousseau, and M¨¦rim¨¦e. So that sounds really interesting to me. I really like Wordsworth, Byron, Shelley, all those Romantic poets, but I don't think we'll be covering those guys. Anyway, I also signed up for Film Experience which should be fun. The last class I have is Personal Computers because I figure I should get rid of the Computer requirement for Cowell early, and it satisfies the N code. And of course it should be really easy, even though Ben told me we have to make a website, I'm sure I'll be able to do it. Especially since I can get help from him if neccessary. I will definitely use him to add interaction and pretty things to the site if I have to make one though.

It was really awesome to talk to him and I hope we can do it again sooner than later. He makes me feel really good.

Wednesday night I was feeling lonely and kind of depressed [not really though], because there was no CBF meeting [they moved it to Friday, but I won't be able to go to all of it because I need to attend the Bachelor of Music Recital featuring Michael Tevlin's voice that night... This night] so it felt really weird.

I didn't have anything planned Wednesday night, and I know I should've started my short story, for Creative Writing [due Thursday night at section. I had the option of writing 3 poems too, but I wanted to challenge myself and try a short story because I need to get back in that groove. I used to do fiction a lot more and I was pretty good at it, but as time passes, it seems that my ability to do it disintegrated and I feel really scared that I won't be able to do it after a certain point in time because I'm so out of practice. But I know I just have to try and start again; that's the only way. The hard part is thinking of what to write about because it really is as if everything has been written before, well except my life and that's more memoir-y and non-fiction. Well, the short story doesn't have to be fiction, I didn't think about that but I just didn't want to go with that idea for some reason. I had a lot of ideas, but I was looking at them and it seems they've all been done in movies or it just sounds cliche. So it's really difficult to find something and make it your own, unique and personal and original.]

Anyway, I just went on Instant Messanger for awhile. I haven't been using AIM so much for the most part because I have no qualms about using the phone now, and I would much rather hang out with people in person and I'm busy doing that. It seemed like everyone was in a gloomy, glum mood though. It wasn't fun.

But Bradly came back and so we chatted awhile and he told me we can't hang out Thursday because he needs to take that time to drive home for the weekend. Argh, so I asked if he was free tonight [Wednesday], he got the hint and asked if I wanted to come over. I told him to pick me up and there he was. So I knew I had to bring up the whole relationship topic tonight [can't let the time slip away], and even though I didn't feel ready, Eric and I did some role playing on that and that was actually fun. But it's a whole different story when you're in front of the person you need to discuss it with.

I knew I had to say something to Bradly soon, because we were on a time limit.. He had to go back before 10:30 pm because he has a hall meeting. That was annoying. So we walked around for awhile and chatted, then he suggested we go to the dining hall and on the way up the hill to Crown I was going to try mentioning something, but then he got preoccupied with talking to someone on his cell phone. Grrr. It wasn't until we were settled into eating our meal, and I wasn't really able to eat because I didn't have much of an appetite.

So finally, I just asked if his bed is still under the frame, and he nodded, and we were on that topic [how it keeps it dark since it's underneath and covers are all around, etc] then I took the plunge... "Can we talk about what happened last week?"
Bradly: "Yea, sure. So, what about it?"
Me: "Well, I mean what was that.. Was it just for fun?"
Bradly: "Well, I don't know. I want to have fun you know."
And he expected me to say something first, so "I don't know. I'm scared." [gosh, I can't believe I admitted that. Bad bad bad. Now he might think I really like him and I kind of do, but not that much] "And it can be fun, but I would want it to be an exclu.. Liking one person thing. I mean can still flirt with others, but liking only one person."
Bradly: "Sometimes I feel like I want that. I kind of do, but sometimes I just don't. I didn't have a lot of fun in high school, and I want to make up for it. This is college, you know. And it's almost the end of the quarter, soon it'll be summer and we'll be far away from each other.
Me, frowning, "So you don't want to pursue a relationship."
Bradly: "Welllll," slowly and hesitantly.
Me: "It just seems like you can't deal with the long distance thing, and ...
Bradly: "It's just that I have a tight schedule and you always want to hang out, but I'm so tired on Tuesdays and Thursdays because on those days I have classes the whole day and there's homework."
Me: "Okay."
Bradly: "I think we should stay friends, who hang out a lot."
And I nod. What else can I do?

I was silent for awhile, feeling kind of weird and upset, but like the virtuso he is, he guided the conversation onto safer and more casual ground and I was feeling a little better. I took a green apple, and he did too, for himself I thought but when were out of there, he handed his to me. I was suprised, but happy that he'd think to do that.

After he walked me back, I called Sam on my cell phone so I could talk to him privately outside. I told him a little bit about what happened, and said that I guess it's a good thing he told me all that because now I really know and I don't have to spend time worrying and thinking about all of this anymore. I do feel good about knowing what he really thinks [even though I think we still like each other], because that puts less pressure on me and now I don't have to spend time on something that isn't worthwhile. And at least he spoke the truth, and the fact that being busy is an issue for him shows that he wants to give his all: time, energy, closeness to a romantic relationship. I couldn't help thinking that the whole sexual thing we did together meant nothing though. So, I did a hiccup crying thing, and Sam who was doing Computer Science homework told me he was going to finish up then come right over.

I stayed outside on the bench, waiting for him. Someone else came out from the building and started to smoke, even though it was a non smoking area on the steps. I was too shy to tell him about that though. And it was weird, I didn't smell it even though it was so close. He started talking to me too, so it was kind of nice to have a little conversation with him.

It was great to see Sam and got a huge, warm long hug. We walked around Crown for awhile and talked about all sorts of things for awhile, then settled down in the Writing Room Lounge and got to the Bradly topic. It was good to get it all out, and by that I mean just talking it through and thinking about the friends with benefits thing. I think most people think of that term if the people are sexxing each other, not just cuddling, touching, holding hands and sitting on each other's laps because as Sam pointed out that's more the type of thing you do with your boyfriend. Aww man, that's what I need. It was so hard not to take Bradly's arm so that we could walk arm and arm... I didn't really cry about it anymore though, even though I felt confused about that because I had thought I would be crushed, heartbroken but in actuality I'm just glad I had the courage to bring up the topic and now I know my answer, I'm not stressing over it. It's also great to know that I have the ability to do this, so next time it won't have to be as nerve-wracking. Just make it natural.

So I really don't need this guy. I mean, it's really sweet what we had, all this cuddling and sleeping next to each other business and I think I would still do that if the occasion arose... Even though I still feel that I like him, there's something that doesn't make me have to chase after him and I think if anything, he'll be the one who comes after me whenever that time is and... Okay, that sounds really conceited but it's a good feeling. I definitely am not making apologies for myself anymore. I'm over that stage and I'm proud of who I've become and learning new things about myself, ways to be, everyday.

After all that, Sam and I talked about me going to San Francisco with him over the first part of Spring Break. He still hasn't asked his mom about it yet, so I hope he does that really soon. He said I can stay for how ever long I want and he will probably be able to give me a ride back to Monterey area, because he'll visit his grandmother who lives in Pebble Beach sometime.

We came up with all these ideas of what we could do, like beach, zoo, Kiot Tower, Ghiradelli Square, Union Square is a must, ice skating is something I thought up because I've always wanted to try it and Jennie told me I could do that someday if I ever get to San Francisco..., Metrion, tea garden which Sam tells me is a beautiful, romantic place so I have to go to that, and he will accompany me there which is nice and so on. I made notes in my cell phone so we wouldn't forget anything.

At one point, Rachel from CBF walked by and waved to me, and Sam was all, "Wow, you know so many people. Man, do you know a lot of people, because everytime I walk around with you, people are saying hi to you and everything."
Me: "Really?"
Sam: "Yea, you have this magnetic thing going on."

Ooh, that was such an awesome thing to say. I couldn't believe it at first, but Sam told me he's noticed that people pay attention to me and I'm really outgoing and friendly so I draw people towards me. He gave me an example: "Like, when we went to the dining hall tonight, that guy paid more attention to you than he did for me. He said something to me, but he talked to you more." I kind of shook my head and commented it could be due to the fact that I'm a girl, and Sam heard that, but kept on by saying "It seemed like he didn't pay that much attention to the people behind you." Ahh, okay, that, yea, it may be some kind of evidence. But I think it has a lot to do with me putting myself out there and being more outspoken, being able to joke with strangers and just being really warm.

Also, he mentioned maybe it's more apparent to him because of his lack of magnetism, which I didn't agree with. Sam knows people too, but he said it's because they are friends he met through other people he knows... He told me that there's not one person who he met on his own, which I find quite shocking. I mean how can you not find people outside of your little circle? Well, maybe it's so stunning especially to me because I've really come out of my shell since High School and I've been meeting soo many people. It's wonderful. I'm glad it comes so much more easily and naturally for me now.

Sam also told me that he doesn't talk much, which made me laugh because our normal conversations [if we have enough time] are about three to six hours, or longer. He said that's true, but most of it is stuff that I bring up and he doesn't have a whole lot to say. It does sound like his life isn't as filled as mine, but I think a lot of it has to do with how you live life and see things. Like, I think the laundry room is exciting for goodness sakes. I don't really do laundry at the school, so when I did it on Tuesday I felt really accomplished and it was nice because I got to see Dylan for awhile and he helped me with it since I'm not familiar with the school machines. And it's just really nice, and comfortable. It looks like a good hang out place, especially since you sit on top of the washer machines. And if you're with the right person and it's deserted, well you know what I'm thinking, right?

Anyway, we looked through the ring tones on my cell phone and that was fun. I liked Snaggle and some of the Classical music, especially Sonata in C, so I decided to change it to that. Sam said that fit me too.

I asked him what color he thinks my aura is and he just cracked up, wondering what kind of question that is. Hmm, so I kind of re-worded it, telling him to tell me what color he sees when he thinks of me. He came up with a sunrise or sunset orange. Ahh, that's one of my least favorite colors. But I guess it had to be with the warm family because of my personality and the extrovert-ness I have. He couldn't come up with a good reason for why he thought of that, but he wanted to know what I thought of him, so I said forest green [his favorite color is green so he thought that's why I said it, but not really... It's my perception of him] Something kind of deep but not too dark, has a light tinge. He's carefree and caring, sweet but definitely masculine. Well, I didn't tell him that part, but he still liked what I said.

We had to walk back to my place in the rain so we stopped by his room so he could get a jacket for me and his roommate let him borrow the big umbrella. We actually ended up talking longer, and he didn't leave until 3 AM which was cool, even though we were just standing there so my feet were really aching. At least I got my idea for the short story. We came up with the idea of suicide looking like homicide, then a rape/murder and following a girl who is paranoid that she's next. I came up with some of the details, like how he'd kill her and dispose of her. It will take place in a college, much like the one I'm attending now, and ...

Thursday morning at Literature 1 section, we got back our essays and I was so happy, because I finally received a four, instead of three and I actually thought I did the worst on this paper. The TA wrote many good things about the whole thing, and I think if I just expanded the finale and tried to be less wordy, I would've been able to get a five. I want to try for that in the next one.

I decided to skip Creative Writing today because I wanted to get started on the short story, and it was just a poetry reading so it wasn't like I needed to be there. I walked up with Marco so we could both sign in, then we left. I actually had lunch because I saw Edward headed that way and I haven't talked to him for most of the quarter so I went in with him. Janine and Tina were there, then Julian came by too. It was cool, a nice and efficient meal.

Guess what? I'm going to the Adams and Parrington- organized Spa Night at Kiva Day Spa downtown. The cost is $10, which I see as a very good deal, and it will be Wednesday night at 10:30 pm, which is perfect because I will still be able to hear the message at CBF [College Bible Fellowship]; I'll just have to leave a little earlier to get to the Cowell Circle on time. I contacted Nataly who lives at Parrington, to see if she wanted to go, and she is up for it but doesn't have the money so I offered to pay it for her and she'll return it later. Oh, I'm excited about this; can't wait!

Spent rest of the day before Mardi Gras College Night dinner writing the story. At first I wasn't sure if I would be able to finish it, and thought I might have to cut the story short. But kept going, and more poured out. I really like what I've done with it, but it was so freaking difficult to think of a good ending. I made it end hopefully, and I felt happy about that, especially since I didn't have to worry about it during the dinner.

I was really energetic about going before it started. I saw Sam coming and I ran to him, receiving a great hug from him. Also met Karen at the fountain. Dylan was there too so got hugs from both of them. I was looking for masks, but it seemed like the person who was passing them out was gone. Damn. But there was a guy who was giving his away, because he wasn't staying so I told him I wanted it. Another person was giving away her crown, so I got that too... It's pretty, has light green trim and a girly silver blue top part. I wore it for some part of the night, but kept falling off; it wasn't very stable.

Well the event was okay, not the best food. I expected something better, and was excited about getting to try gumbo and so on, but it wasn't great. The mandarin oranges in salad were yummy though. And at least the King Cake was all right, I especially liked the purple thing on top. It had a crunch and sweetness to it.

Sam, Jennie and I ended up talking for awhile after but then it was about time for me to go to section, and he had to do other stuff, so we parted and off to section I went. We just workshopped and that was fun, but I had to find a way to get out earlier because I need to meet Andy at the Bookstore around 9:20 pm so that I could go with him, Ben Rex [Christian/Liberation Ben], and Elisa to see Passion of the Christ. Before it turned nine, I went up to the TA and told her I needed to go to a meeting so have to leave class earlier, and she was totally understanding and said, "oh okay, that's fine. Yea, go." That was so nice of her, so I felt bad that I wasn't telling the truth, but I'm glad I got out in time.

I walked back to my room so I could put stuff away, then ran down to the Bookstore, because I didn't want to be late, but I was early so it was okay. Though it gave me a scare, because no one was around so I thought everyone had already left, or Andy forgot about me. It turned out to be fine though. It felt good to fly down the hill and stairs in my heels though. Very sexxy and empowering.

Passion of the Christ was such an incredible, wow, intense, well made movie. It renders one speechless. And puts in so much feeling. If you haven't seen it yet, I encourage and urge all of you to get to it. Of course there are really hard and graphic scenes, but I'm glad I was able to see it because I feel it has taught me more. It really showed me that He. Died. To. Take. Away. The. Sins. Of. The. World. And since it was so explicit, lifelike and striking, vivid detail, you can see what He went through. I have so many questions about it now, and can't wait to discuss it with people after they've seen the movie. The next paragraphs will be dealing specifically with the movie, so if you don't want spoilers, STOP READING NOW!

It was such a mysterious opening scene. I don't have too much background knowledge, so I didn't understand the context of Jesus staggering and bleeding from the holes in his face, and having such a hard time walking through that dark misty forest. It was hard to get my bearings, and then he came to his three disciples who were sleeping! How can they do that to him? I thought they are supposed to follow and support Jesus the whole time.

Satan was pretty scary, too. I think it was really effective that they had him saying, "No one can take away all the sins of the world. Nobody..." It was pretty disgusting to see a hint of worm come out of his nose. Ugh, then the snake which wasn't that bad, looked harmless enough, but it was the snake who tempted Adam and Eve so I get why it's there. But then Jesus stomped on it and that gave my heart at thump. It was an evil snake, I would say so I'm glad he got rid of it. Though in Buddhist teachings, one is not supposed to harm any creatures, not even a fly.

So it was really bad that Judas told them where Jesus was just for coins. It would be helpful to know the story behind this, and I'm sure I'll be able to figure out it by talking to Eric and others, but I also want to start reading the Bible too. Mostly, I want to discuss everything though. Anyway, I'm glad that later Judas realized it was the wrong thing to do and he gave the money back, but it's kind of too late to do anything else. Then, there were the children who he saw as demons. It reminded me of Golum, and it was really creepy. I was like, aww, poor Judas and wanted them to leave him alone; they were so cruel to him and he was so scared. His ending was sad.

I really liked Pontius Pilate's [the governor, he was the one who was just] wife, Claudia because she told him to spare Jesus, because he is holy. And he did stand righteous and steadfast through almost all of it, and I really think he didn't believe Jesus committed anything that He would have to die for. He feared Ceasar [pronounced Kaiser in the movie, since they were speaking in Hebrew; I saw a lot of French and German influences and I noticed that "Abba" meaning father is similar to "Baba," father in Chinese] and that his blood would be next.

One of the people said that Jesus wouldn't let them worship Consul or whatever, and that's what got to me because I believe in freedom of religion, even if you know this is the Way, the Truth and the Life. You don't force people to come to you, and you don't dictate what they shouldn't believe.

I don't fully understand why Pontius Pilate let the other man captured free, though. Just because the people called for it? He didn't succumb the first time when he told them that they shan't kill Jesus. He told Abener to make his punishment severe, but not to the death. This part really got to me. They did so much to him. Hit him so many times and that was very difficult to watch, and I couldn't help feeling disappointed in Abener. I thought he would take Pilate's words a little lighter, because he knows and I'm sure understands what he meant by that, but he carried it on for far too long, and it was just so heartbreaking.

I really liked when Jesus had flashbacks; those quiet and loving moments. It shared some of the Word but didn't shove it down your throat.

I don't how he was able to withstand all the pressures of the whip and barbs, and still stand up; it was so wrenching and hurtful. That's also when I started to get tears in my eyes, and when they changed the weapon, it made me shudder, even when they hadn't started use it on his skin yet. One of the soldiers slammed it on the table and it stuck; oh.my.goodness.

Towards the end of this madness, when the barbs stuck to his skin and peeled it, sickening... I just couldn't hold in the tears, and they started almost pouring, and I mini-hyperventilated. Since I knew I was making a lot of noise, I felt kind of self conscious so when the scene changed, I was able to hold it in more.

There's something I really don't know what to make of in the movie: The demon child that Satan was holding as it watched from the sidelines. What an eeire figure and horrible sight. What did that signify? Why was the child there? Was He seeing things, the blackness in His heart, but that doesn't make sense to me because I thought Jesus was perfect. The only perfect being, one with God. Here's what Wes said about it: "the notion that jesus was "perfect" is a very late theological development. jesus was an amazingly compassionate itinerant teacher who was passionate about addressing the social injustice prevalent in the society he lived in. he challenged the hypocrisy of those in power and like so many historical figures who have done so, was cruelly beaten down. he had an intense personal (and very jewish) faith, but unfortunately the religion "of" jesus slowly got morphed into a religion "about" jesus following his death." That really spoke to me, because of the veritas [truth] behind it.

The three people consistently following His journey to the death: Mary, Mary Magdalene [the prostitute who Jesus saved; she cried more than the mother and that bothered me because I kept thinking why isn't she showing more emotion? It must be killing her, especially since it was playing with me so roughly and especially since she was actually there, witnessing it. She was really holding it and I didn't find that very realistic. Maybe there's something in the Bible that supports that though.] And a male; I'm not sure who it was, but I'm dying to find out. Someone tell me! One of the three disciples or what? Was it James? Or Jesus' brother?

Ooh, speaking of disciples, Peter forske him three times. I was shocked and appalled at that part. He didn't want to and cried, was in huge pain after that, you say, but that's as he should feel. And much worse. If he was a true follower, a true disciple he wouldn't have pretended that he never saw Jesus. How could he? But, since Jesus told him he will forsake him three times, it makes me wonder if it could've been changed. I mean, it was prophesized and foretold. Can anyone change what's supposed to happen, destiny, fate?

Well, this is out of order, but when he the army went to Heron, the second King, the way they set it up was really good. It showed you what it was like. And the jaguar in there, it's such a beautiful and graceful creature, but its awesome poweress scared me too.

I knew it was going to happen [the crucifixtion] but I felt so betrayed and horrid towards Pontius Pilate. He said he would be innocent of Jesus' blood, but... Well, maybe there is a way, because Jesus did say Pilate did not have the power over life and death. Only God above can take that away. So, I don't know. Still, I was sorry to see it happen.

Then, the walk to where the destination would be his death. I don't know how heavy the cross was exactly, but how in the world did Jesus get along holding it with all his wounds, cuts, scars, and bleeding? He can barely stand up or walk, it's not possible that he was able to make it anywhere with that thing. I'm glad they got someone to help Jesus, but what was his name?

It was so touching to see the little acts of kindness from people, like the cross carrying man, Pontius Pilate, Claudia, the one woman... She ran out and let Him use her towel to clean his face, and was going to give him water, but that was taken away. That made me feel so bad. It was right in front of him, and I can't imagine how dry his throat must have been. So it would make more sense if she offered the water first, and not the cloth. Because that's not as important, in my eyes.

Everytime he fell, I sucked in my breath and spoke to him. I whimpered a lot through certain parts of the movie and made to cover my eyes, but knew I had to see what was going on to get the full experience. It was so excruciating and painful to watch his way there. And on the cross too. Fuck, what they did to him to get him on there... Nailed his hands and oh, what incredible torture. Having to dislocate his shoulder. The blood and, ... Other people were on each side, and I loved that one of them said, "We deserve to be here, but he doesn't. He's holy." And he will go to Heaven, joining Jesus. The other considered it blashemy still, then the black crow landed on his cross and started to peck his eyes out. Eww, but what a sign.

Towards the end of His time, when it was getting quieter and more urgent, when he thirsted, I liked when the soldier slopped a sponge of water to him. And then when he had departed from Earth, what the world got in return. God's wrath, and I can now completely understand why He reacted that way. The rage, the fury, the anger He gave out because of what happened. I no longer question how He could be so wrathful, if he's supposed to be a loving and forgiving God. Ohmygoodness, Jesus prayed for these people. They laughed and made it something fun, trivial.. Heartless and cruel. It breaks you down to think that there are still people like this in modern day times.

I'm sure most people wouldn't remember this particular incident, but when he was in the place where they whipped and gave him his first punishment, there was an instant when he was trying to get up but the muscles and bone in his elbow couldn't take it and that looked so agonizing and labrious. It really choked me up and...

He told Mary to "Behold this child." And the man to "Behold your mother." But I still don't know who the man was...

Darkness for what seems to be eternity. Then pure, clean sunlight and white sheet crumpled, when Jesus gets up and rises. Still a hole on his hand though... Hope dies last.