Oh, wonderful. Here's my horoscope: Feisty Mars will deliver a twist on your character - defining workaholicism by pushing a tricky romance to the forefront. Prepare to apply corporate strategies like careful listening and compromise to your love life - which may sound wonderfully proactive until you realize how many pages of your planner this project will require.

It shouldn't be that hard.

The question that comes to mind, What do I want? And I really don't know. I almost never know. I mean I know who I want to keep as a friend, or whom I would like to go further with, but it's that further part that gets me all twisted and confused.

Do I want a committed long term relationship that gives me meaning? Of course. This is something I've always dreamed of and I can't wait to find that perfect someone for me. In the meantime, however, am I satisfied with sexual encounters that doesn't have much emotional basis.

Sometimes I feel that it's well-summed in a "Wait for Me" by Hall and Oates: "Love is what it does, and ours is doing nothing. But all the time we spent... It must be good for something." Actually, that's probably too strong a lyric but I like it anyway. Even if it doesn't describe any relationship in my life, which I count as a good thing.

Anyway, I've thought about it, discussed it, questioned it, and I'm no closer to answering that damn question. What do I want (in terms of boys)?

Though, I know who I want and he's not in NY. It's completely and utterly impossible to have him. Therefore, I try to keep him away from my thoughts. I can't let myself wonder about what ifs or fantasize how it could have been. Whatever was there, is now long gone.

Back to the present. Sigh.