It becomes more pressing for me to talk seriously with Bradly. I don't want to question it anymore. I want to know that it's not just fooling around and I want it to be official. I want to be his girlfriend, him to be my boyfriend and I don't want to feel like he's not reciporcating at times. I want our relationship to be out in the open and comfortable. But I don't know if I allow it to continue as it is now. There are people who think we really are together, but then again a lot of people thought I was Sam's girlfriend too. Anyway, back to Bradly. So, I have to find a way to bring up the topic when I see him Thursday night. At least I have a little more time until I see him next. Because I'm so scared of what he will say. That it will be something I don't want to hear, and I know he could make me cry...

Let me back track so you can see why I think it's so important to bring all this to surface at this point in time. I don't feel guilty about it, but at the same time I don't want to be too graphic and detailed about what happened.

I've only told two friends about it, and Sam is the only one who knows the dirty details. I cannot believe how easy it was to talk to him. He's so open and non-judgemental. When I told him about being self conscious about my small breasts, Sam said "They're not that small." I didn't agree of course, and he kept arguing with me. Finally, he was like "We're having this whole conversation about your breast size, and I'm not even your boyfriend." Laughs. Tis truth spoken. So, Sam knows everything and he was really good about the whole thing. Nothing has changed between us, too. We're still the same; really close friends and no awkwardness in between us. At the end of the night, Sam told me he was honored that I'd choose to tell him about all of this, and it was just really sweet.

So Bradly and I got pretty hot and heavy in the physical sense this past Thursday night, and I ended up staying the night, sleeping next to him... So here's the poem version:

Lying next to each other
Underneath the bed frame
Covers blinding us to the outside
Inside our private world
Soft darkness envelopes
Wraps us in a cozy sweetness
Languid and comfortable
In each other’s presence
Cuddling, snuggling next to him
His arm wrapped tightly
Warmth and want emanating
His hand stroked my
Waist, stomach, above
Caressing and touching
His tongue taking me
Kisses in the dark
Lip finding his
Short passionate locking
Fondled his
Back, chest, stomach, legs, ...
Teased his concealed secret
Being on top
His hard, pleasing body
Feeling the dominance
Sexy heady sensation
Being close
Closer I’ve ever been
With anybody
Firmly holding
Lying in his embrace
Smiling, gentle
On the verge of sleep
Stay the night
With him next to me
On the mattress
Descend into slumber

Morning after:
Light stretching through
Naturally waking at seven
Relaxing taking in the
Feeling, the pure quietness and
Breath of daybreak
Being in each other's presence
Whispers and touches
Tingles and loving
Tender looks and curve
Of his lips
Trembling and needing

Twenty minutes before my eleven o'clock class, he walks with me down the stairs and out the door, his arm firmly around my shoulders. This is absolutely the sweetest way to walk. Sigh. Even though he was still in pajama's I got him to walk to the bus stop wait for it with me. It was perfect. After class, he picked me up from my room and we went to a couple of beach spots along Highway 1. All the way to Pescadaro Beach. Even though I forgot my camera, he let me use his disposable. He's so thoughtful and wonderful to me. Arm in arm, helping me walk through the awkward surfaces, light jokes, arm around my waist, smiles and chatter, singing in the car. A full fun-loving day, lazy and beautiful.

Next day, Saturday I spent the day with friends downtown then the mall. So much to laugh about, see, conversate on, giggle and jump around, great feelings. So close to all of them. Rented movies [S.W.A.T. and Red Dragon, the prequel to Hannibal Lector series]. Stopping at College 9 and 10 first thing because of the promise of a big TV and maybe DVD player? It's weird. There's no DVD player in the game room, but there is in every single lounge in the College 9 and 10 buildings, on each floor.

Sam and I played ping pong, playing by no rules. Every surface was a part of the game. I wasn't very good, especially at first, but got much better especially when I would aim at him and use it as anger management.

After awhile, I took a break and called Bradly on my beautiful new cell phone. I enjoyed talking to him for awhile, but since it was so loud and hot inside, I went outside to talk to him in privacy. He was going to watch Zoolander with hall mates, and even though I tried to get him to agree to watch S.W.A.T with my friends and me, he really wanted to watch the other movie. He said he'd call me when they're done so he can join us later, so I was happy about that.

When I got back in the Game Room, Vilma and Aide were starting a game of pool, so it didn't look like we were really going to watch any of the movies just yet. They told me to go with Bradly and so I called him back and he came to the Game Room to pick me up. I kind of introduced him to friends, and off we went to his dorm. Jacob was on the couch as well, so I didn't want to sit on there just yet until Bradly came back because he went in his room to get something. It was his blanket and when we were settled next to each other, he placed it over me, sweetly. It was nice. Got to lean against him, head on his shoulder, hands intertwined during most of the movie, knee pressing against his leg, one arm around his and the other resting on his chest.

After Zoolander, I called Sam to ask if they were still up for watching S.W.A.T and they were so Bradly and I waited for them to come. It took them awhile, but that was fine because Bradly was playing a soccer game on my cell phone and he got decent scores and he was so cute about it. We were lying on the couch; it was really comfortable.

Sam called when they got to the door, and I went down to open it for them. It felt so wonderful to be able to do that, as if I was living there. I really like the College 9 and 10 dorms. They're the best. So good that I don't even want call them 'dorms'. So big and lavish, sexy and classy. I was going to stop by his room [the doors lock and unlock] to pop the kettle corn, but I remembered that his microwave was unplugged, so I went into the dorm and told him to do it. His first answer was, "No. I'm playing a game on my cell phone." I grabbed for it and tried to take it away from him. And he died. Hah. Just kidding. Anyway, we got our popcorn and I made him get napkins as well because it was getting me greasy.

Finally, we started the movie. Bradly and I weren't as close this time, but at least I was leaning my head on his shoulder and that was wonderful. He smells good and it was so good that it made me sleepy, on and off. It was an interesting movie, but not as good as I expected. I really didn't pay too much attention to the whole of it though.

I wasn't sure if I should stay or go afterwards, but someone came in telling him about drinks and he wanted to party, so I left with my friends. On the walk back, I asked Vilma and Sam what they thought of Bradly. They couldn't really answer, because they didn't get to talk to him a whole lot. Sam said he seems nice and that he's built [body... mmm yea] and Vilma agreed whole-heartedly, saying "Oh yea, good job on that." Smiles.

I ended up talking to Sam about all this and more for a few hours in my lounge before going to sleep. We were trying to think of ways to find out if Bradly and I are a couple. Sam said that Bradly seems like the type of guy who would respond with something witty and sweet. That sounds good.

I hope I can do this though. I know I have to talk to him about it. I just don't know how to bring it up. I wish he would. It's so nerve-wracking. I know he likes me, there's no denying that at this point but is it sincere enough to want me in a relationship... exclusively?